Old Mossback's Zombie Attack Survival Guide: Maintaining a Proper Look

This look strikes just  the right note for
the fashion conscious Zombie survivalist 

Now that the Old Mossback has tapped into his future memories and instructed us on how to survive the first wave of a Zombie attack, he turns to the nitty gritty of living in The New Normal. Today, he tackles fashion. Over to you, Mossy.

What to Wear During a Zombie Attack

One topic that often is overlooked in almost all the Zombie movies and survival books is the proper look a survivor should maintain when the Zombies are attempting to take over the Earth. 

How is it in these movies that while all the men are shown running around in worn out clothing, the women still appear to have a good supply of pushup bras and low cut blouses to display their cleavage? Is there an emergency reserve of Victoria Secret products located in a bunker somewhere?

Anyway. Back to the men.

The proper look has two goals. The first is to look in a way that strangers will see you as not to be messed with while at the same time not a threat. Too much of one and not enough of the other could have dire consequences. The other goal is to protect you from the sun and elements.

We will start with the hair. In this regard, there are three acceptable looks for the end times.

1) The shaved head: This haircut is high maintenance. Note: It is not advisable in Florida,  due to the risk of a sunburn.

2) Mohawk: Unlike the shaved head, this cut offers some protection from the elements. However, it is still very high maintenance.

3) Mullet: AKA The Ape Drape. This is the look for Florida while fighting off a Zombie horde. Can be maintained with scissors. There are other perks, as all the ladies dream of a day when they are dating a man who has a mullet haircut. Just ask SKK. In every woman's life there is a man with a mullet haircut. [Editorial note: Mossy...true...but only if he is a simian Guard Baboon stationed outside to scare off the Zombies  ~ SKK]

Next: The shirt. This one is easy. The shirt should have cutoff sleeves at the armpit. This is the classic swamp-people look. For the life of me I still cannot figure as to why the sleeves must be cut off; but they must be.

Pants and shoes. Working jeans are acceptable, but not those ridiculous and overpriced designer jeans. Worn work books will get you through. No sandals or open toed footwear. In the Florida swamps to be seen wearing sandals or open toe footwear could result in verbal insults or even worse. Don't expect people to withhold judgment on your footwear. There is no such thing as being politically correct in a swamp during a Zombie attack.

Accessories: Last but not least, the men of the survivor group should all wear a necklace made of Florida gator teeth. It makes a real statement, and the men can compete as to who has the biggest teeth.

In reference to the abovementioned mullet haircut, the gator teeth necklace will top off the entire look, as you would then sling on your rifle and step out into the world, dressed and groomed for success in the world of the Zombie.

Here are some illustrations to help you sort proper from improper.

This look, below,  lacks the ripped-out sleeves, and also exposes the wearer to side-of-head sunburn. This look is a NO.

Beach Boy, below, has good hair coverage, but poor body protection. Sunburn, sunburn, sunburn. A definite NO.

Again: good head coverage, but no body protection. Absolutely NOT.

Why, oh why do these men keep neglecting their bodies? Do they not understand what the sun can do their skin? Again: NO.

Now we're talking! This look covers the necessary bases, and has the added vantage of protecting the Zombie survivor from suffering dreaded Lip Burn. Finally, a clear YES.